Dent in the pillow

Let me start by saying AARRGGHH! It is 12:55 am and I am feeling all the horrible side effects of the steroids which are the only things that are keeping the pain away right now. I am jittery, starving, hotter than a forest fire, and more than just a bit agitated that this turkey sandwich did not come with mayo or mustard.
I think my metabolism is running at hyper speed and I am consumed with the idea that if I really tried, I could churn butter with my bare hands.

The theme from Mash hums in the distance and I really do think that I am going to ask my Dr if I can cut back a little on the 8 mg's tomorrow.....I mean today.
I fully intended to write about my experience with the radiologist today but looking back on it, it is still quite a lot to think about and my brain is still not quite in acceptance mode of this new, horrible, surreal, lifesaving, frightening experience.

It wasn't supposed to be this way you know, but at the same time it wasn't supposed to "not" be this way either. How's that? I was supposed to get married and have kids and they were going to grow and get married and have kids, and I was going to go on vacations with them and we were all going to live to a ripe old age and no one was going to get cancer in their back or their front for that matter. And we were going to live each day like we LOVED every minute of it and be helpful and giving....but the earth got in the way....

On the bright side however, I get to be loving and giving anyway, because every night since I have been here, God has crawled into this hospital bed beside me, I always make a little bit of extra room for him on the left side. Sometimes He talks and I just listen, sometimes I cry because it hurts, and sometimes we just breathe. Then eventually I wake up and realize this damn earth is still in the way but now there is a dent in the pillow next to me.......