How are you....I am not fine........

Quite a few people have asked in the past few days "where I am at" right now. They want to know how I am feeling physically and emotionally etc...I thot' about it for a bit and I can't say fine cuz that isn't true..... and just to prove it...here are the top 10 definitions of "fine"


1.of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade:
2.choice, excellent, or admirable:
3.consisting of minute particles: (ok this is debateable)
4.very thin or slender:
5.keen or sharp, as a tool:
6.delicate in texture; filmy: filmy...yuck
7.delicately fashioned:
8.highly skilled or accomplished:
9.trained to the maximum degree,
10.characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance:


So then I thot' "If you are going to ask Laurie a question, you are going to get a Laurie answer."

YOU: "Hey Laurie, we haven't talked in a while, how are you doing? I mean how are you feeling and what is your pain like?"

ME:"Thank you for asking...that is very thoughtful. Right now I have some pain in my neck and shoulders. I think it is caused mostly from the motion I make when I throw hay over the rail to feed the horse. Aleve helps sometimes but not everytime.

I feel a little confused about what to do next if the scans don't turn out well. I am still in a punching match with myself over this issue (cancer) being totally out of my control. I mean why have a "plan B" if "plan B" offers you no more control than "plan A" did? BUT......having a "plan B" makes me feel like I have something to do....but if it doesn't matter then it's all been a waste...but if it makes me feel productive then has it really been a waste?....feeling productive has it's benefits doesn't it? But if I can't control it with either plan A or B then ......well, you see my dilema.

I feel somewhat hopeful that the scans are not going to be wholly bad...but that is soley based on no more giant lumps appearing and pain not getting worse in general.
I love the changes that have taken place in my family because of the cancer.........that's a long-ish list so I will leave that one as "by request" .....if you want any more details you will have to request them via e-mail or Facebook.

It's been interesting to ponder and wrestle with the trust issue....I hate it but I love it....well I don't LOVE it like Valentines Day love it....I just see some benefits....maybe I don't love it.....I will have to keep thinking about it....

And as always I am totally humbled by how many people are praying and then some......I will never be able to wrap my irradiated mind around that....that IS a miracle.

So that is "how I am" I guess...for now....I have a regular apt the end of Feb...IV, Faslodex injection, "no estrogen" tummy injection and lab work....let's hope there is someone else besides Sahid (a guy around 25) to pull the skin on my hip (which is more like "not my hip but lower"...emphasis on but) for that Faslodex injection....that's another story you will have to request if you want more info.

Scans in March...not sure of date.....Thank you again for everything....all of it...prayers and more...