Dark and puffy

These past few weeks have been very dark ones for me. I have felt guilty about that...the star of Bethleham....the hope of the nations...jolly St Nick...despite that it has been dark...will it be my last Christmas? Is the new medicine working?
Two big issues have come up lately....

First...am I a hypocrite? I think maybe I have been.....(well so are you!!!) Ok, maybe you aren't but I feel better thinking you are because I didn't think I was until now. I have always said I TRUST in God but I really really really really realized that I kinda didn't truly TRUST Him. That has to change. If I really trusted I wouldn't be so scared of this cancer.

Second: the first takes conscious effort and that is hard....for me....I don't like deciding what to have for dinner...I don't like finding time to take the car for an oil change...I want it just to happen....

I believe it is extra hard when you are struggling to believe what you are trying to get yourself to believe....."if you let go you will be ok"
Ok so I am hanging on to a rope that is strung across a huge deep canyon...someone who resembles a polka dot down below says.."let go, you will be ok"....this is what it feels like to me.

So I rung in the new year with 45 minutes of crying...followed by morning after puffy eyes....which made me cry some more because I feel like I live in a petrie dish as it is...and I had to put my hair on, and I burned myself and my left arm doesn't lift up past my shoulder and .............thru all of this I will trust? I mean I WILL trust!!! I will I will I will....I hope.